The Andy Diaries
by BellaSarah
Summary: Old habits die hard...Andy's musings when she returns home. McCollins. Spoilers through current episodes.


A/N: I liked that Andy kept her notes in diary format while she and Nick were undercover. After being in the habit of doing that for 6 months, I like to think she probably still does. And that thought led me to wonder what might be in her diary now. This is definitely McCollins. I plan to keep these concurrent with the show so spoilers for anyone who isn't up to date with this season's episodes.

Disclaimer: Do I really need this? I obviously don't own it….

_June 12_

_I miss him. Like I physically miss him. Is this normal? I see him pretty much every day and if I don't see him, I get a text but it's not the same. I mean, we lived together for six months. We had no one else. I thought at the time that would be the hardest part—being isolated from everyone we know. But I was wrong. This is. Trying to work myself back into a life that went on without me for six months._

_At least Nick has Gail. Their relationship is intact. They're happy. They're making headway. Me? I've got nothing. An ex who now has a new girlfriend and a best friend who is still broken and trying to make her way through the world. It's like I stepped through the looking glass and I'm living in a reflection of what my life was before I left. Everything looks the same but it's backwards._

_The one person that made it all normal, held it all together, is in a different reality. I feel so utterly lost, surrounded by the people I love most. This isn't okay. I keep expecting it to get easier but it doesn't. If anything, it's getting harder._

_I miss talking about stupid things when we're trying to stay awake. I miss listening to him breathe in the next room. It's hard to sleep at night knowing he's not there. I caught myself almost kissing him before I left the Penny the other night. It seems so natural now when it's so obviously unnatural. I miss the way the bathroom smells after he showers and how he leaves his socks just laying where ever he takes them off even though it's _really _annoying._

_I can pick his voice out in a crowd. I'm hyper aware when he enters a room. It used to be this way with Sam but it's different. I feel more myself with Nick. I'm not worried what he's thinking about me or if he's humoring me. When I nailed him at paintball, he was proud of me. I saw it in that goofy grin he gave me, all sheepish and impressed rolled into one. He couldn't do anything but sit there and shake his head while we claimed the spotted camel. Nick and I are friends, equals, and there is something to be said for that. It's just different. Sam makes me awkward, Nick doesn't._

_Today was a really crappy day. I was paired with Marlo; we had to deal with Wanda Starks. It went bad quick. I can't stop replaying what happened in the basement over in my head. I would give anything to have one of those sleepless nights with Nick right now. Just to talk, rehash. Get all of this off my chest. Although honestly, it's not like I'd tell him I'm struggling without him. I can't lay that on him. It would ruin our friendship and I couldn't do that to Gail. As much as I want to punch her in the face sometimes, she's my friend._

_Then there was the saying goodbye to Sam. Watching him say good night to Marlo, seeing her look so vulnerable and broken. Remembering when that was me. She's not a bad person. I want to hate her but I can't. And if she makes Sam happy, shouldn't I support that? Am I not supposed to want that for him? Ego has dictated so much of what has happened between us. Pride. I can't let that be the case any more. I know it's over. I can't even imagine being in a relationship with him right now. Not after everything that has happened. I just_

Her phone buzzing next to her nearly sent her out of her skin. Nick.

"'Open the door, I'll be up in a sec.' Wait, what?!"

She shoved her notebook into her bedside table drawer and took a quick glance in the mirror. She was braless in a tank top and ridiculously short shorts that she'd worn in high school. Her mascara was smeared under her eyes from the snot cry she'd had after her Sam encounter in the parking lot. She managed to get that cleaned up before her door rattled.

"Are you kicking the freaking door?" she mumbled under her breath as she grabbed the first shirt she could find. She swung the door open as he rattled again.

"What on earth…oh," she said, interrupting herself midsentence.

"I heard about the shooting. I thought you could use some comfort food."

"You drove all the way to our cover apartment to get me burritos?"

"Yep. You gonna let me in or not? I'm about to start dropping stuff." Andy grabbed the drinks caddy and motioned him in. "Nice Army shirt. I'm pretty sure that's mine."

"Uhhhhh," she stuttered, her face burning. He was right. It was his. She'd started wearing it to sleep in when they were undercover and hadn't bothered to give it back to him. "I just grabbed…I wasn't expecting company and…do you want it back?"

"Andy, its fine," he said, laughingly, putting stuff down on her coffee table. He started pulling items out of the bag as she grabbed a couple plates and a roll of paper towels. Nick wasn't exactly neat.

"I can't believe you did this."

"What are friends for? I figured after a day with Cruz and an evening with SIU you needed this." He dumped food on her plate and studied her for a second. "You okay?"

His question was soft, serious. She wanted to tell him no. She wanted to lean into him and just let him carry the burden of the last few weeks for her, just for a moment. But she knew she couldn't do that. It wasn't right.

"Yeah, I'm good," she said, her voice sounding false even to her ears. He gave her a look that clearly said he didn't buy her BS but he'd let her get away with it.

"So fill me in. It was a good shoot?"

"Yeah, I think that's how they'll rule," she said around a mouthful of food. She told him about the call from beginning to end. The TV flying from the third floor window and crashing into her unit, Wanda's meltdown, the call back, her confrontation in the basement.

"It sounds like it was pretty straight forward."

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, did I screw up, Nick? Should we have EOD'd her after the first contact?"

"Why? I mean, she was agitated but you removed the trigger, her neighbor, right? It doesn't sound like she would have met the criteria even if you had taken her in."

"I just can't help thinking that there was something more I could have done. If I could have talked to her for five more minutes in the basement…."

"Andy, that's not fair. To you or Cruz. Wanda made her decision. She doused herself in gas, she lunged at that kid. She didn't give either of you a choice. You tried every possible avenue but when someone's life is in danger..."

"I know, I just…"

"Andy, what if Cruz hadn't taken the shot and Wanda had stabbed that boy. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself. You know you did everything you could."

"I guess. Where's Gail?"

"Oh, that God awful swill she's been drinking finally caught up to her. She's at home dying apparently."

"Poor Gail," Andy said with a genuine laugh. "Things working out? Seems like she's past the mad."

"Yeah, you know. She's Gail. She hasn't punched me in the face in a while so I guess we're good."

"You're poor face took a beating there for a while."

"Yeah, no kidding. Butt of a shotgun, your foot, Gail's fist. It's a miracle I'm not disfigured!"

"I think you're going to be okay, tough guy."

"How about you? You haven't invoked the break up buddy code lately."

"You know," she said with a shrug, no longer hungry. "It's tough seeing Sam and Marlo together. He's so much more openly affectionate with her than he ever was with me. And he treats me differently now. And it's not just Sam. Everything just feels…."

"Foreign?"

"Yeah."

"That's natural. It was always that way when I came back from deployment. Life doesn't stop while you're away and you're expected to just drop right back in and adapt."

"You seem to be fine," she pointed out quietly.

"It's not been great," Nick said honestly. "But it's not my first time and I know you either keep going or you get left behind. At least I'm trying, you know?"

"Yeah," she replied a little sadly. "Nick?"

"Andy?"

She felt the corner of her mouth tug with a smile. This was Nick. _Her_ Nick. Her best friend. She'd always been completely honest with him.

"I miss undercover. Like not the people, but the life. Everything was chill and so much less complicated."

"I know. Me too. I'd give anything for a lazy day on the lake or another bike ride to Niagara. Maybe we should just run away."

"Don't tempt me," she said on a sigh.


End file.
